Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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