sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
