I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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