I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
