I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
