"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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