I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
