I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
