Define "chronic" masturbator.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
