if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
