I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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