I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
