I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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