Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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