im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
