He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Just invented taco cereal.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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