he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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