I think I won the penis lottery.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
