Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
