I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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