Girls should come with a carfax report
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Randomize
