No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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