i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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