We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
