i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
