If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
