When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
