What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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