I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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