I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
