you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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