just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
