The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
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