When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
