Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
