Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
