do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
this hospital has no fireball
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
