I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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