pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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