I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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