Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
