He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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