I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We had to coat check the pizza.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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