I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
