I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
