some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
