My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
