Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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