The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
