we have officially lost it.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
