I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
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